Letter To Myself

Dear Self,

Hey Buddy, this is you from one year in the future. I wanted to write you a letter so you could brace yourself for what is to come. This argument and breakup you have had with Dan is final. It is not something you will get over in a week and get back together. It is something you will suffer through for at least a year. Don’t get discouraged by this information, it is for the best.  

If you think you are sad now, I want you to brace yourself for more disappointment and sadness through the next year. You are going to have emotions that hit you so hard you will have to hide for a while to cry it out. You are strong and will make it through, but pain is real and it demands your attention. Let it out, cry when you need to because it really does help.  As much as you will want it you will never see Dan show any emotion towards you. He doesn’t care enough to check on you to make sure you are taking the breakup okay. He doesn’t keep his promises, this is something you noticed recently and it doesn’t change, his promises actually are worth less than dirt now. You can no longer trust this guy. I know the strong and intimate feelings you had for him. I know how much it physically hurts when you think of him. You were thrown to the side like a piece of used trash. He didn’t even have the decency to discuss things with you. You will try to get closure and work things out but I want you to know that you will see a side of him that is dark and emotionless. He doesn’t love you, and it’s questionable if he ever did. His selfishness and though process is all about him and always will be.

                You will have arguments in your head with Dan over things you wish you should have said to him. You will get so angry at times it will radiate off you. Remember to harness this pain and try to change it into something that can benefit others.

                Dan will get the job you pushed him to apply for. You will try and get it in people’s heads that he is the one for the job. By doing this you are hoping deep down that this will help you two get back together because you will see each other more when you work together than you did before. Although the job was filled by him all your thoughts don’t come true on that. He actually really hurts you so bad because of the possibility of dating someone you both work with will arise. You will spend hours crying to two amazing people that will always be there when you need a good cry. These women are some of the best people you know. Respect them and what they have to say.

                The more you work with Dan the more people you will tell about your relationship with him. Follow your feelings and tell the right people because they will be a benefit to you when you have a bad day. They will tell you your worth and how you are a much classier person than Dan and the people he collects in his life. I wish you could see it now how you made it out of a toxic environment. Although you say to others how much you don’t like him, there will always be a part of you that will love him and miss him. You will feel wounded and hurt when you see the quality people he keeps in his life over you. You will feel less than trash. You need to surround yourself with those amazing people God has placed in your life.

                This year there are things that will make you question your belief in God. Do not let your faith waiver.  Science cannot prove God exists but it cannot deny it either. All the good personal conversations you had about God and religion with Dan will become void when you hear his vile mouth talk and defile things you hold so deep in your heart. You deserve a person who will have the same respect about God as you do. Hold on to your beliefs.

                Work will be the worst place you will be every day. I still feel the stress and emotional deterioration today. Remember those who make the best of the worst situation there. Stick with them because they are lights in a dark place. Hold on just a little longer.

                School is harder than ever. Make sure to study and focus on school as a pass-time rather than thinking of Dan and what he is doing. Put your energy into something that will get you away from that Hell hole you call a job.

                When you date do not be surprised or offended when someone tells you they dated Dan. You will learn more about him from strangers and dates than you learnt while dating him. Do not get discouraged over this because Dan is a person who keeps secrets and that is what ruined your relationship. You might blame yourself for some things, but you need to remember that purple is only perfectly made with even amounts of red and blue.

                Last thing I want you to understand is that you are an amazing person, a strong person who has to have his heart ripped out, shredded and smashed to understand people more. You might not think you fall in love quickly, but you need to realize you do. You will love again too, someone much better than Dan. Think of how you hold your friendships in high regard. Think of how you felt after trying to break up with Dan after dating him for two months. You were in love. You will always love him no matter what. That is unconditional love. What you need to remember is that he gave up on you. You should feel sorry for him because you would have never given up on him.

                                                                                With love,

                                                                                                Your Future You

Introduction Part III

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past few weeks. That is why my blog has been on pause. I have had a lot of stress with school and work. I have taken out my stress and anger out through my workouts. But I have been thinking a lot about this blog and what I want to say.

 I hate when people say “People come into your life for a reason.” I think the reason I hate that saying so much is because if people were supposed to come into your life for a reason than why do they leave? I have yet to find someone who stays in my life as an active role. I was so happy when I found my boyfriend of two years. Until he broke my heart and left me emptier than I could ever imagine.

Continued from last post:

Once I had the first impression of my new roommates I was isolated in my mind; I was alone, which at this point I had not felt this bad in a while. I kept on the dating websites and was meeting guys. I finally had freedom to do what I wanted without my parents monitoring everything I did. Not that they would monitor but they would be so involved in my life it felt like it. There was one guy I found who I liked but he lived in Kaysville. That is super far for those who don’t know the distance for Kaysville and Provo. This guy’s name is John and he is really cute, funny and a bit of a rebel. He and I went on a couple dates meeting in Salt Lake and we had a lot of fun. He drove all the way down to Provo one day and stayed the night at my apartment. I was so scared that he wanted more than I was willing to give. When he left the next day we had finally kissed and to me that is a big deal because that meant there is a mutual connection and like for each other. After he left that day we kept in contact and we wanted to see each other until it became so hard to see each other that I actually didn’t see him again after that day.

After things fell through with John I was back in the dating scene. I was just saying ‘Hi’ to every guy I thought was cute on those websites. I didn’t get many responses because there are so many vain guys out there that think that they are better than giving a simple response of telling me they weren’t interested. I actually came across a guy who was very nice and polite, come to find out he had filmed a few porno movies. We mostly discussed exercise information and I picked his brain about diet and things. I later came across a guy who was in his 40’s and he was cute. Had a decent body (you know everyone’s body type on those sites because no one wears clothes on them. I do. That’s why I don’t get responses.) I told him I wasn’t normally into guys older than me but I thought he was cute. That made an impression on him and we started talking. So to tell you a secret, I actually like older guys and I had used that a few other times to break the ice with some of them. He is the only one who was not a creep about it. After swapping numbers and talking for a few days we decided to meet. I drove to Draper which was about halfway between my place and his. I waited for him for a couple hours and it was actually really annoying because I waited forever. By the time he actually showed up I was tired and annoyed. Not to mention I was super shy and he kept asking me if I wanted to go home with him. I didn’t because I was afraid he was going to kill me. That night I must have made an impression on him because he asked me to come up to his house and he would cook for me. I considered this date two and accepted.

He had talked me into staying the night at his place. To make a long story short, dinner was great, I slept like a priest with clothes covering my entire body while he was basically naked. Things just felt comfortable and natural. He didn’t push me to have sex with him and it was nice sleeping next to someone who you feel safe with. This is Dan. He is the man I feel for pretty hard for. I am not a person who falls in love fast. I fall for someone slowly and gradually because as I make memories with them I fall in love with them more and more. Falling for someone like this sucks because when the relationship ends you are left so broken and shredded it is hard to pick yourself up and start healing.

Dan broke up with me a year ago this month. I am still in the healing process because I see him more now than I did when we were dating.

Two days before he broke up with me I told him that he should apply where I work because then we would see each other more and he would get paid more too. Deep down I wanted him to work with me so we could “make friends” and eventually move in together without anyone thinking twice about it. I was happy when he applied, and then I was shocked two days later when he wanted to end our relationship. I cried so hard that night that I couldn’t breathe. I was so broken for the first couple months that I would be at work and have to run into a stock room or dressing room just so I could be alone and cry for a good 5 minutes. He ended up getting the job and started working with me a month and a half after he broke my heart. Not only was I heartbroken but I now had to see the face of the guy I fell so hard for and broke me so emotionally I never thought I would recover. It has been a unique breakup and it has lasted longer than it needed to. I am still scarred emotionally by him and lately he has been kind of digging at those scars, but I have blocked him out so well he doesn’t have an emotional hold on me anymore.

Now that you know my basic story, I can tell you all about his and my connections at work. I try to read him but I cannot. I want people to help me. That is if anyone is even interested in this blog…

Introduction Part II

I have been really bothered with people lately. I was in class this week and there were a group of guys talking about gay guys and they were being extremely derogatory. It was making me really angry and my blood was boiling; I nearly walked out of class. (I didn't do anything because I am a coward and because I needed to not make a scene). The guy that I study with in that class doesn't know about me but I could tell he was a little bothered with these guys and their obscene comments to one another. I just needed to get that off my chest. It shows me that people are not growing up in this world. There is still segregation in a few different ways and it makes me angry at the disrespect that people have toward one another.

Now I'm stepping off my soap box. I had been talking to a guy in a flirtatious way for the first time in my life. I was living far away from civilization at the time so we would send emails to each other. We didn't text because he didn't have texting on his phone plan (time to step into the 21st century). After getting to know each other through hand written messages I wanted to meet. We arranged to meet and actually go out. I could tell he was really nervous when we met. Which was fine because I was really nervous. The tension soon broke once we had gone to the party we had planned to attend that night. We didn't stay long because I needed to go back home which was an hour away. We kept in touch after that, emailing and talking as much as we possibly could. The next time I saw him it was more frequently because I was staying with a friend and I got to see him every night. We were growing closer and closer. We would hold hands in the dark of a movie theater and in the comfort of the car. He was my first kiss which kind of made me a little depressed because I wanted to kiss a girl first. (I still have never kissed a girl). One night he was able to come and stay with me at my parents house. We snuggled in my bed and kissed a lot. That was the extent of it. After that night I felt horribly guilty. I felt like I was sitting in a rain cloud and I couldn't get free. All I had been taught about my future and my life had been taken away brick by brick.

In a matter of a month and a half this guy and I had met and we fell hard for each other. My guilt got the better of me. I couldn't go into the temple. I would sit outside and read my scriptures because I couldn't go in. I had returned home honorably from a mission and within a year I had gone against everything I had been taught. Within a short few weeks of meeting he and I planned on moving in together. Neither one of us had told our parents about us being gay so friends moving in together was fine. The more I thought about our relationship my crushing guilt was getting the better of me. He was depressed when I called off everything. I ended the relationship, but I wanted to remain friends. We had only really known each other for a few months, and we were moving way too fast. He couldn't just be my friend because he wanted to be more. Over the course of a few weeks we lost all communication. He stopped answering my phone calls and emails. He de-friended me on Facebook and we lost all communication. I remember a few months later I sent him an email saying about how I was thinking about him and that I missed him. He had a frank remark that he didn't ever think about me and that he was adding my email to his spam list. I have not heard from him since. That was over 4 years ago. I still think about him a lot. You never really forget your first love. I had done what I knew I should have. If I had done the right thing than why did I feel so lonely? Why did I feel so depressed? I did the right thing and yet I felt like I was still sitting in a dark rain cloud,

About 5 months later I got a job working where I currently work. I had worked at this horrible place for a year before my mission. I was desperate to find a job in Provo. This one pays very well so I took it, then I could afford to move. That coming Fall I moved into my first apartment. I had 5 roommates, all very strong members of the LDS church as well so I felt like they would become friends and they could help keep me in line. Sadly that didn't last.

They were terrible human beings. They had no respect for me or my quiet time I needed to study. Not to mention they were having a very loud conversation the first night we all stayed in the apartment. It was nearly 1 am when they came home and they were loud and obnoxious. If I didn't know they were LDS I would have thought they were dunk. In their loud and annoying tones discussed how disgusting it was that guys would date guys. It was my first night there and I had the sinking feeling that I had now signed a 9 month contract with a group of homophobes. I started feeling alone again. Although I felt like I was still in a shroud of darkness, at that point I felt very alone.

Introduction:

There is so much to say with my first post. I will begin with an introduction. I am sorry but my name is not going to be released at this time because my family does not know that I am gay. That being said, I am sure my readers will understand my secrecy. Other than that, I am a regular red blooded American that lives in the great state of Utah.

I have lived in Utah my entire life. I am 25 Years old and I am going to school in Orem, attending UVU. I grew up in the Happy Valley, for those of you that don't know where that is, it is south of Salt Lake City in the Orem, Provo area of Utah County. To answer the regular question that is asked when someone finds out I am from Utah; Yes I am a Mormon. I served faithfully for 2 years teaching people about Jesus Christ and modern day revelations. I am a strong believer in my faith, although the Church I belong to does not approve of homosexual relations, I still love it with all my heart.

 I have always had the nagging in the back of my mind that I was different. I actually wished I were different as to make a change or a stand in the world for the better. I found a fascination with characters such as the X - Men because they were different and they were amazing, but yet they still did what they could for the better of mankind. This is what I grew up with. I wished magic was a real thing, I learned later in life, much later, that magic is real. I found love deeper than I could ever have imagined. That was real magic.

I have a few brothers and sisters. I am not the oldest child, and I am not the youngest child. I am not the old boy either. Again, I'm sorry for the vagueness. Just protecting my identity for now. I am an Uncle many times over and I love my nieces and nephews a lot more than I thought I would (I don't like kids very much).

I fell in love for the first time not too long after my mission. We were together for a little over two years. I was able to keep him secret from my family and friends for Two whole years. Until 10 months ago he couldn't handle being the secret boyfriend and he broke up with me. It has been 10 long dramatic months, 2014 has been dubbed the worst year I have experienced. He is the reason for me wanting to start this blog. I need to get some of my feelings out so I can move on with my life.

I have always kind of known I was gay. I preferred to look at men rather than women (side note: I find women gorgeous, stunning and a lot of times breathtaking. But I do not have a physical attraction to them). The earliest time I realized my attraction to men was when I was 12.  Being in the church I was always taught that homosexual relations were bad, they could stop you from going on a mission and they could stop you from being a member of the church. So I suppressed my feelings and turned to girls rather than boys. Even when I knew deep down that if I were to marry a woman, I would not be able to love her the way she deserved to be loved. I was 12 when I actually remember noting to myself which guys I thought were attractive and which ones I would like to hang out with, but the thought of dating them was taboo so I didn't let my mind stray that way. The idea to date guys wouldn't enter into my thoughts until years later when I was returning home from my mission. I had prepared my whole life to go on a mission, I had served my mission, and now that I was coming home to the realization that I didn't want to be married to a woman. I had known that things were going to happen and I put it off long enough to go on a date with a girl. I then realized at the end of the night (by the way I will give myself props. for how great that date was) that I didn't want to kiss her. For a normal red blooded guy of 21 that is very abnormal. But I was not a normal guy, I was a guy who is into guys. I drove home from my date a little disappointed with how I was feeling. I have always been taught that being gay is bad. These feelings I was having towards other guys made me a bad person. It doesn't matter how many people you can talk to, even when they tell you otherwise, you feel pretty evil inside for even considering being with another guy. I decided to take a chance and experiment. I made a profile on a dating website for gay men a few days after that date. To my surprise a few weeks later I met someone, he was pretty amazing...