Introduction Part II

I have been really bothered with people lately. I was in class this week and there were a group of guys talking about gay guys and they were being extremely derogatory. It was making me really angry and my blood was boiling; I nearly walked out of class. (I didn't do anything because I am a coward and because I needed to not make a scene). The guy that I study with in that class doesn't know about me but I could tell he was a little bothered with these guys and their obscene comments to one another. I just needed to get that off my chest. It shows me that people are not growing up in this world. There is still segregation in a few different ways and it makes me angry at the disrespect that people have toward one another.

Now I'm stepping off my soap box. I had been talking to a guy in a flirtatious way for the first time in my life. I was living far away from civilization at the time so we would send emails to each other. We didn't text because he didn't have texting on his phone plan (time to step into the 21st century). After getting to know each other through hand written messages I wanted to meet. We arranged to meet and actually go out. I could tell he was really nervous when we met. Which was fine because I was really nervous. The tension soon broke once we had gone to the party we had planned to attend that night. We didn't stay long because I needed to go back home which was an hour away. We kept in touch after that, emailing and talking as much as we possibly could. The next time I saw him it was more frequently because I was staying with a friend and I got to see him every night. We were growing closer and closer. We would hold hands in the dark of a movie theater and in the comfort of the car. He was my first kiss which kind of made me a little depressed because I wanted to kiss a girl first. (I still have never kissed a girl). One night he was able to come and stay with me at my parents house. We snuggled in my bed and kissed a lot. That was the extent of it. After that night I felt horribly guilty. I felt like I was sitting in a rain cloud and I couldn't get free. All I had been taught about my future and my life had been taken away brick by brick.

In a matter of a month and a half this guy and I had met and we fell hard for each other. My guilt got the better of me. I couldn't go into the temple. I would sit outside and read my scriptures because I couldn't go in. I had returned home honorably from a mission and within a year I had gone against everything I had been taught. Within a short few weeks of meeting he and I planned on moving in together. Neither one of us had told our parents about us being gay so friends moving in together was fine. The more I thought about our relationship my crushing guilt was getting the better of me. He was depressed when I called off everything. I ended the relationship, but I wanted to remain friends. We had only really known each other for a few months, and we were moving way too fast. He couldn't just be my friend because he wanted to be more. Over the course of a few weeks we lost all communication. He stopped answering my phone calls and emails. He de-friended me on Facebook and we lost all communication. I remember a few months later I sent him an email saying about how I was thinking about him and that I missed him. He had a frank remark that he didn't ever think about me and that he was adding my email to his spam list. I have not heard from him since. That was over 4 years ago. I still think about him a lot. You never really forget your first love. I had done what I knew I should have. If I had done the right thing than why did I feel so lonely? Why did I feel so depressed? I did the right thing and yet I felt like I was still sitting in a dark rain cloud,

About 5 months later I got a job working where I currently work. I had worked at this horrible place for a year before my mission. I was desperate to find a job in Provo. This one pays very well so I took it, then I could afford to move. That coming Fall I moved into my first apartment. I had 5 roommates, all very strong members of the LDS church as well so I felt like they would become friends and they could help keep me in line. Sadly that didn't last.

They were terrible human beings. They had no respect for me or my quiet time I needed to study. Not to mention they were having a very loud conversation the first night we all stayed in the apartment. It was nearly 1 am when they came home and they were loud and obnoxious. If I didn't know they were LDS I would have thought they were dunk. In their loud and annoying tones discussed how disgusting it was that guys would date guys. It was my first night there and I had the sinking feeling that I had now signed a 9 month contract with a group of homophobes. I started feeling alone again. Although I felt like I was still in a shroud of darkness, at that point I felt very alone.