I have been on an emotional
rollercoaster the past few weeks. That is why my blog has been on pause. I have
had a lot of stress with school and work. I have taken out my stress and anger
out through my workouts. But I have been thinking a lot about this blog and
what I want to say.
I hate when people
say “People come into your life for a reason.” I think the reason I hate that
saying so much is because if people were supposed to come into your life for a
reason than why do they leave? I have yet to find someone who stays in my life
as an active role. I was so happy when I found my boyfriend of two years. Until
he broke my heart and left me emptier than I could ever imagine.
Continued from last post:
Once I had the first impression
of my new roommates I was isolated in my mind; I was alone, which at this point
I had not felt this bad in a while. I kept on the dating websites and was
meeting guys. I finally had freedom to do what I wanted without my parents
monitoring everything I did. Not that they would monitor but they would be so
involved in my life it felt like it. There was one guy I found who I liked but
he lived in Kaysville. That is super far for those who don’t know the distance
for Kaysville and Provo. This guy’s name is John and he is really cute, funny
and a bit of a rebel. He and I went on a couple dates meeting in Salt Lake and
we had a lot of fun. He drove all the way down to Provo one day and stayed the
night at my apartment. I was so scared that he wanted more than I was willing
to give. When he left the next day we had finally kissed and to me that is a
big deal because that meant there is a mutual connection and like for each
other. After he left that day we kept in contact and we wanted to see each
other until it became so hard to see each other that I actually didn’t see him
again after that day.
After things fell through with
John I was back in the dating scene. I was just saying ‘Hi’ to every guy I thought
was cute on those websites. I didn’t get many responses because there are so
many vain guys out there that think that they are better than giving a simple
response of telling me they weren’t interested. I actually came across a guy
who was very nice and polite, come to find out he had filmed a few porno
movies. We mostly discussed exercise information and I picked his brain about diet
and things. I later came across a guy who was in his 40’s and he was cute. Had a
decent body (you know everyone’s body type on those sites because no one wears
clothes on them. I do. That’s why I don’t get responses.) I told him I wasn’t normally
into guys older than me but I thought he was cute. That made an impression on
him and we started talking. So to tell you a secret, I actually like older guys
and I had used that a few other times to break the ice with some of them. He is
the only one who was not a creep about it. After swapping numbers and talking
for a few days we decided to meet. I drove to Draper which was about halfway
between my place and his. I waited for him for a couple hours and it was
actually really annoying because I waited forever. By the time he actually
showed up I was tired and annoyed. Not to mention I was super shy and he kept
asking me if I wanted to go home with him. I didn’t because I was afraid he was
going to kill me. That night I must have made an impression on him because he
asked me to come up to his house and he would cook for me. I considered this
date two and accepted.
He had talked me into staying
the night at his place. To make a long story short, dinner was great, I slept
like a priest with clothes covering my entire body while he was basically
naked. Things just felt comfortable and natural. He didn’t push me to have sex
with him and it was nice sleeping next to someone who you feel safe with. This
is Dan. He is the man I feel for pretty hard for. I am not a person who falls
in love fast. I fall for someone slowly and gradually because as I make memories
with them I fall in love with them more and more. Falling for someone like this
sucks because when the relationship ends you are left so broken and shredded it
is hard to pick yourself up and start healing.
Dan broke up with me a year ago
this month. I am still in the healing process because I see him more now than I
did when we were dating.
Two days before he broke up with
me I told him that he should apply where I work because then we would see each
other more and he would get paid more too. Deep down I wanted him to work with
me so we could “make friends” and eventually move in together without anyone
thinking twice about it. I was happy when he applied, and then I was shocked
two days later when he wanted to end our relationship. I cried so hard that
night that I couldn’t breathe. I was so broken for the first couple months that
I would be at work and have to run into a stock room or dressing room just so I
could be alone and cry for a good 5 minutes. He ended up getting the job and
started working with me a month and a half after he broke my heart. Not only
was I heartbroken but I now had to see the face of the guy I fell so hard for
and broke me so emotionally I never thought I would recover. It has been a
unique breakup and it has lasted longer than it needed to. I am still scarred
emotionally by him and lately he has been kind of digging at those scars, but I
have blocked him out so well he doesn’t have an emotional hold on me anymore.
Now that you know my basic
story, I can tell you all about his and my connections at work. I try to read
him but I cannot. I want people to help me. That is if anyone is even
interested in this blog…
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