Letter To Myself

Dear Self,

Hey Buddy, this is you from one year in the future. I wanted to write you a letter so you could brace yourself for what is to come. This argument and breakup you have had with Dan is final. It is not something you will get over in a week and get back together. It is something you will suffer through for at least a year. Don’t get discouraged by this information, it is for the best.  

If you think you are sad now, I want you to brace yourself for more disappointment and sadness through the next year. You are going to have emotions that hit you so hard you will have to hide for a while to cry it out. You are strong and will make it through, but pain is real and it demands your attention. Let it out, cry when you need to because it really does help.  As much as you will want it you will never see Dan show any emotion towards you. He doesn’t care enough to check on you to make sure you are taking the breakup okay. He doesn’t keep his promises, this is something you noticed recently and it doesn’t change, his promises actually are worth less than dirt now. You can no longer trust this guy. I know the strong and intimate feelings you had for him. I know how much it physically hurts when you think of him. You were thrown to the side like a piece of used trash. He didn’t even have the decency to discuss things with you. You will try to get closure and work things out but I want you to know that you will see a side of him that is dark and emotionless. He doesn’t love you, and it’s questionable if he ever did. His selfishness and though process is all about him and always will be.

                You will have arguments in your head with Dan over things you wish you should have said to him. You will get so angry at times it will radiate off you. Remember to harness this pain and try to change it into something that can benefit others.

                Dan will get the job you pushed him to apply for. You will try and get it in people’s heads that he is the one for the job. By doing this you are hoping deep down that this will help you two get back together because you will see each other more when you work together than you did before. Although the job was filled by him all your thoughts don’t come true on that. He actually really hurts you so bad because of the possibility of dating someone you both work with will arise. You will spend hours crying to two amazing people that will always be there when you need a good cry. These women are some of the best people you know. Respect them and what they have to say.

                The more you work with Dan the more people you will tell about your relationship with him. Follow your feelings and tell the right people because they will be a benefit to you when you have a bad day. They will tell you your worth and how you are a much classier person than Dan and the people he collects in his life. I wish you could see it now how you made it out of a toxic environment. Although you say to others how much you don’t like him, there will always be a part of you that will love him and miss him. You will feel wounded and hurt when you see the quality people he keeps in his life over you. You will feel less than trash. You need to surround yourself with those amazing people God has placed in your life.

                This year there are things that will make you question your belief in God. Do not let your faith waiver.  Science cannot prove God exists but it cannot deny it either. All the good personal conversations you had about God and religion with Dan will become void when you hear his vile mouth talk and defile things you hold so deep in your heart. You deserve a person who will have the same respect about God as you do. Hold on to your beliefs.

                Work will be the worst place you will be every day. I still feel the stress and emotional deterioration today. Remember those who make the best of the worst situation there. Stick with them because they are lights in a dark place. Hold on just a little longer.

                School is harder than ever. Make sure to study and focus on school as a pass-time rather than thinking of Dan and what he is doing. Put your energy into something that will get you away from that Hell hole you call a job.

                When you date do not be surprised or offended when someone tells you they dated Dan. You will learn more about him from strangers and dates than you learnt while dating him. Do not get discouraged over this because Dan is a person who keeps secrets and that is what ruined your relationship. You might blame yourself for some things, but you need to remember that purple is only perfectly made with even amounts of red and blue.

                Last thing I want you to understand is that you are an amazing person, a strong person who has to have his heart ripped out, shredded and smashed to understand people more. You might not think you fall in love quickly, but you need to realize you do. You will love again too, someone much better than Dan. Think of how you hold your friendships in high regard. Think of how you felt after trying to break up with Dan after dating him for two months. You were in love. You will always love him no matter what. That is unconditional love. What you need to remember is that he gave up on you. You should feel sorry for him because you would have never given up on him.

                                                                                With love,

                                                                                                Your Future You

Introduction Part III

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past few weeks. That is why my blog has been on pause. I have had a lot of stress with school and work. I have taken out my stress and anger out through my workouts. But I have been thinking a lot about this blog and what I want to say.

 I hate when people say “People come into your life for a reason.” I think the reason I hate that saying so much is because if people were supposed to come into your life for a reason than why do they leave? I have yet to find someone who stays in my life as an active role. I was so happy when I found my boyfriend of two years. Until he broke my heart and left me emptier than I could ever imagine.

Continued from last post:

Once I had the first impression of my new roommates I was isolated in my mind; I was alone, which at this point I had not felt this bad in a while. I kept on the dating websites and was meeting guys. I finally had freedom to do what I wanted without my parents monitoring everything I did. Not that they would monitor but they would be so involved in my life it felt like it. There was one guy I found who I liked but he lived in Kaysville. That is super far for those who don’t know the distance for Kaysville and Provo. This guy’s name is John and he is really cute, funny and a bit of a rebel. He and I went on a couple dates meeting in Salt Lake and we had a lot of fun. He drove all the way down to Provo one day and stayed the night at my apartment. I was so scared that he wanted more than I was willing to give. When he left the next day we had finally kissed and to me that is a big deal because that meant there is a mutual connection and like for each other. After he left that day we kept in contact and we wanted to see each other until it became so hard to see each other that I actually didn’t see him again after that day.

After things fell through with John I was back in the dating scene. I was just saying ‘Hi’ to every guy I thought was cute on those websites. I didn’t get many responses because there are so many vain guys out there that think that they are better than giving a simple response of telling me they weren’t interested. I actually came across a guy who was very nice and polite, come to find out he had filmed a few porno movies. We mostly discussed exercise information and I picked his brain about diet and things. I later came across a guy who was in his 40’s and he was cute. Had a decent body (you know everyone’s body type on those sites because no one wears clothes on them. I do. That’s why I don’t get responses.) I told him I wasn’t normally into guys older than me but I thought he was cute. That made an impression on him and we started talking. So to tell you a secret, I actually like older guys and I had used that a few other times to break the ice with some of them. He is the only one who was not a creep about it. After swapping numbers and talking for a few days we decided to meet. I drove to Draper which was about halfway between my place and his. I waited for him for a couple hours and it was actually really annoying because I waited forever. By the time he actually showed up I was tired and annoyed. Not to mention I was super shy and he kept asking me if I wanted to go home with him. I didn’t because I was afraid he was going to kill me. That night I must have made an impression on him because he asked me to come up to his house and he would cook for me. I considered this date two and accepted.

He had talked me into staying the night at his place. To make a long story short, dinner was great, I slept like a priest with clothes covering my entire body while he was basically naked. Things just felt comfortable and natural. He didn’t push me to have sex with him and it was nice sleeping next to someone who you feel safe with. This is Dan. He is the man I feel for pretty hard for. I am not a person who falls in love fast. I fall for someone slowly and gradually because as I make memories with them I fall in love with them more and more. Falling for someone like this sucks because when the relationship ends you are left so broken and shredded it is hard to pick yourself up and start healing.

Dan broke up with me a year ago this month. I am still in the healing process because I see him more now than I did when we were dating.

Two days before he broke up with me I told him that he should apply where I work because then we would see each other more and he would get paid more too. Deep down I wanted him to work with me so we could “make friends” and eventually move in together without anyone thinking twice about it. I was happy when he applied, and then I was shocked two days later when he wanted to end our relationship. I cried so hard that night that I couldn’t breathe. I was so broken for the first couple months that I would be at work and have to run into a stock room or dressing room just so I could be alone and cry for a good 5 minutes. He ended up getting the job and started working with me a month and a half after he broke my heart. Not only was I heartbroken but I now had to see the face of the guy I fell so hard for and broke me so emotionally I never thought I would recover. It has been a unique breakup and it has lasted longer than it needed to. I am still scarred emotionally by him and lately he has been kind of digging at those scars, but I have blocked him out so well he doesn’t have an emotional hold on me anymore.

Now that you know my basic story, I can tell you all about his and my connections at work. I try to read him but I cannot. I want people to help me. That is if anyone is even interested in this blog…