Introduction Part II

I have been really bothered with people lately. I was in class this week and there were a group of guys talking about gay guys and they were being extremely derogatory. It was making me really angry and my blood was boiling; I nearly walked out of class. (I didn't do anything because I am a coward and because I needed to not make a scene). The guy that I study with in that class doesn't know about me but I could tell he was a little bothered with these guys and their obscene comments to one another. I just needed to get that off my chest. It shows me that people are not growing up in this world. There is still segregation in a few different ways and it makes me angry at the disrespect that people have toward one another.

Now I'm stepping off my soap box. I had been talking to a guy in a flirtatious way for the first time in my life. I was living far away from civilization at the time so we would send emails to each other. We didn't text because he didn't have texting on his phone plan (time to step into the 21st century). After getting to know each other through hand written messages I wanted to meet. We arranged to meet and actually go out. I could tell he was really nervous when we met. Which was fine because I was really nervous. The tension soon broke once we had gone to the party we had planned to attend that night. We didn't stay long because I needed to go back home which was an hour away. We kept in touch after that, emailing and talking as much as we possibly could. The next time I saw him it was more frequently because I was staying with a friend and I got to see him every night. We were growing closer and closer. We would hold hands in the dark of a movie theater and in the comfort of the car. He was my first kiss which kind of made me a little depressed because I wanted to kiss a girl first. (I still have never kissed a girl). One night he was able to come and stay with me at my parents house. We snuggled in my bed and kissed a lot. That was the extent of it. After that night I felt horribly guilty. I felt like I was sitting in a rain cloud and I couldn't get free. All I had been taught about my future and my life had been taken away brick by brick.

In a matter of a month and a half this guy and I had met and we fell hard for each other. My guilt got the better of me. I couldn't go into the temple. I would sit outside and read my scriptures because I couldn't go in. I had returned home honorably from a mission and within a year I had gone against everything I had been taught. Within a short few weeks of meeting he and I planned on moving in together. Neither one of us had told our parents about us being gay so friends moving in together was fine. The more I thought about our relationship my crushing guilt was getting the better of me. He was depressed when I called off everything. I ended the relationship, but I wanted to remain friends. We had only really known each other for a few months, and we were moving way too fast. He couldn't just be my friend because he wanted to be more. Over the course of a few weeks we lost all communication. He stopped answering my phone calls and emails. He de-friended me on Facebook and we lost all communication. I remember a few months later I sent him an email saying about how I was thinking about him and that I missed him. He had a frank remark that he didn't ever think about me and that he was adding my email to his spam list. I have not heard from him since. That was over 4 years ago. I still think about him a lot. You never really forget your first love. I had done what I knew I should have. If I had done the right thing than why did I feel so lonely? Why did I feel so depressed? I did the right thing and yet I felt like I was still sitting in a dark rain cloud,

About 5 months later I got a job working where I currently work. I had worked at this horrible place for a year before my mission. I was desperate to find a job in Provo. This one pays very well so I took it, then I could afford to move. That coming Fall I moved into my first apartment. I had 5 roommates, all very strong members of the LDS church as well so I felt like they would become friends and they could help keep me in line. Sadly that didn't last.

They were terrible human beings. They had no respect for me or my quiet time I needed to study. Not to mention they were having a very loud conversation the first night we all stayed in the apartment. It was nearly 1 am when they came home and they were loud and obnoxious. If I didn't know they were LDS I would have thought they were dunk. In their loud and annoying tones discussed how disgusting it was that guys would date guys. It was my first night there and I had the sinking feeling that I had now signed a 9 month contract with a group of homophobes. I started feeling alone again. Although I felt like I was still in a shroud of darkness, at that point I felt very alone.

Introduction:

There is so much to say with my first post. I will begin with an introduction. I am sorry but my name is not going to be released at this time because my family does not know that I am gay. That being said, I am sure my readers will understand my secrecy. Other than that, I am a regular red blooded American that lives in the great state of Utah.

I have lived in Utah my entire life. I am 25 Years old and I am going to school in Orem, attending UVU. I grew up in the Happy Valley, for those of you that don't know where that is, it is south of Salt Lake City in the Orem, Provo area of Utah County. To answer the regular question that is asked when someone finds out I am from Utah; Yes I am a Mormon. I served faithfully for 2 years teaching people about Jesus Christ and modern day revelations. I am a strong believer in my faith, although the Church I belong to does not approve of homosexual relations, I still love it with all my heart.

 I have always had the nagging in the back of my mind that I was different. I actually wished I were different as to make a change or a stand in the world for the better. I found a fascination with characters such as the X - Men because they were different and they were amazing, but yet they still did what they could for the better of mankind. This is what I grew up with. I wished magic was a real thing, I learned later in life, much later, that magic is real. I found love deeper than I could ever have imagined. That was real magic.

I have a few brothers and sisters. I am not the oldest child, and I am not the youngest child. I am not the old boy either. Again, I'm sorry for the vagueness. Just protecting my identity for now. I am an Uncle many times over and I love my nieces and nephews a lot more than I thought I would (I don't like kids very much).

I fell in love for the first time not too long after my mission. We were together for a little over two years. I was able to keep him secret from my family and friends for Two whole years. Until 10 months ago he couldn't handle being the secret boyfriend and he broke up with me. It has been 10 long dramatic months, 2014 has been dubbed the worst year I have experienced. He is the reason for me wanting to start this blog. I need to get some of my feelings out so I can move on with my life.

I have always kind of known I was gay. I preferred to look at men rather than women (side note: I find women gorgeous, stunning and a lot of times breathtaking. But I do not have a physical attraction to them). The earliest time I realized my attraction to men was when I was 12.  Being in the church I was always taught that homosexual relations were bad, they could stop you from going on a mission and they could stop you from being a member of the church. So I suppressed my feelings and turned to girls rather than boys. Even when I knew deep down that if I were to marry a woman, I would not be able to love her the way she deserved to be loved. I was 12 when I actually remember noting to myself which guys I thought were attractive and which ones I would like to hang out with, but the thought of dating them was taboo so I didn't let my mind stray that way. The idea to date guys wouldn't enter into my thoughts until years later when I was returning home from my mission. I had prepared my whole life to go on a mission, I had served my mission, and now that I was coming home to the realization that I didn't want to be married to a woman. I had known that things were going to happen and I put it off long enough to go on a date with a girl. I then realized at the end of the night (by the way I will give myself props. for how great that date was) that I didn't want to kiss her. For a normal red blooded guy of 21 that is very abnormal. But I was not a normal guy, I was a guy who is into guys. I drove home from my date a little disappointed with how I was feeling. I have always been taught that being gay is bad. These feelings I was having towards other guys made me a bad person. It doesn't matter how many people you can talk to, even when they tell you otherwise, you feel pretty evil inside for even considering being with another guy. I decided to take a chance and experiment. I made a profile on a dating website for gay men a few days after that date. To my surprise a few weeks later I met someone, he was pretty amazing...