Introduction:

There is so much to say with my first post. I will begin with an introduction. I am sorry but my name is not going to be released at this time because my family does not know that I am gay. That being said, I am sure my readers will understand my secrecy. Other than that, I am a regular red blooded American that lives in the great state of Utah.

I have lived in Utah my entire life. I am 25 Years old and I am going to school in Orem, attending UVU. I grew up in the Happy Valley, for those of you that don't know where that is, it is south of Salt Lake City in the Orem, Provo area of Utah County. To answer the regular question that is asked when someone finds out I am from Utah; Yes I am a Mormon. I served faithfully for 2 years teaching people about Jesus Christ and modern day revelations. I am a strong believer in my faith, although the Church I belong to does not approve of homosexual relations, I still love it with all my heart.

 I have always had the nagging in the back of my mind that I was different. I actually wished I were different as to make a change or a stand in the world for the better. I found a fascination with characters such as the X - Men because they were different and they were amazing, but yet they still did what they could for the better of mankind. This is what I grew up with. I wished magic was a real thing, I learned later in life, much later, that magic is real. I found love deeper than I could ever have imagined. That was real magic.

I have a few brothers and sisters. I am not the oldest child, and I am not the youngest child. I am not the old boy either. Again, I'm sorry for the vagueness. Just protecting my identity for now. I am an Uncle many times over and I love my nieces and nephews a lot more than I thought I would (I don't like kids very much).

I fell in love for the first time not too long after my mission. We were together for a little over two years. I was able to keep him secret from my family and friends for Two whole years. Until 10 months ago he couldn't handle being the secret boyfriend and he broke up with me. It has been 10 long dramatic months, 2014 has been dubbed the worst year I have experienced. He is the reason for me wanting to start this blog. I need to get some of my feelings out so I can move on with my life.

I have always kind of known I was gay. I preferred to look at men rather than women (side note: I find women gorgeous, stunning and a lot of times breathtaking. But I do not have a physical attraction to them). The earliest time I realized my attraction to men was when I was 12.  Being in the church I was always taught that homosexual relations were bad, they could stop you from going on a mission and they could stop you from being a member of the church. So I suppressed my feelings and turned to girls rather than boys. Even when I knew deep down that if I were to marry a woman, I would not be able to love her the way she deserved to be loved. I was 12 when I actually remember noting to myself which guys I thought were attractive and which ones I would like to hang out with, but the thought of dating them was taboo so I didn't let my mind stray that way. The idea to date guys wouldn't enter into my thoughts until years later when I was returning home from my mission. I had prepared my whole life to go on a mission, I had served my mission, and now that I was coming home to the realization that I didn't want to be married to a woman. I had known that things were going to happen and I put it off long enough to go on a date with a girl. I then realized at the end of the night (by the way I will give myself props. for how great that date was) that I didn't want to kiss her. For a normal red blooded guy of 21 that is very abnormal. But I was not a normal guy, I was a guy who is into guys. I drove home from my date a little disappointed with how I was feeling. I have always been taught that being gay is bad. These feelings I was having towards other guys made me a bad person. It doesn't matter how many people you can talk to, even when they tell you otherwise, you feel pretty evil inside for even considering being with another guy. I decided to take a chance and experiment. I made a profile on a dating website for gay men a few days after that date. To my surprise a few weeks later I met someone, he was pretty amazing...